Relentless Inner Critic Got You Down? Give Your “Bubba” the Boot!
I’m six years old and my parents finally said I could have the big girl job of washing the dishes. I AM SO EXCITED!
I need to use a step stool because I’m not quite tall enough to reach the sink faucet without it. I stand up on my tippy toes with my arms slung over the side of the sink. The edge of the counter pokes me right in my armpits as I proudly scrub off a sink full of dirty dishes.
Suddenly, I catch a glimpse of my gigantic dad, just as his thick hand grabs onto my shoulder and he shoves me hard. Suds and water fly into the air as I fall sideways off the stool and onto my back on the cold ceramic tile floor.
My dad towers over me with an evil look on his face. Spit’s flying out of his mouth as he yells, “Damnit Dana, I told you how I want the dishes washed! Don’t make me tell you again!”
My arms and legs are sprawled out like a starfish on the floor but I feel more like a bug splattered on a car windshield. My back hurts. I’m not even sure what I messed up.
He turns away from me in disgust and walks out of the kitchen yelling, “Now, finish the job! The right way!”
I roll over onto my stomach pulling my arms and legs in trying to land like a cat on all fours. My hands and knees make contact with the cold tile and I slowly stand back onto my two feet.
With tears and snot streaming down my soft face, I begin rinsing off the dishes again. As I replay what happened, my dad’s angry message burns into me.
This was the first, of many shocking memories, I recall. Every shove, slap, shaming, and spanking left a deeper scar, stripping away my innocence.
The meaning I attached to the dishwasher story and told myself for years: “Figure it out the first time, Dana, otherwise you’re stupid!”
Do you have stories you’ve been carrying around for your whole life?
“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”
Marie Curie
Who’s your Bubba?
We all have an inner bully, an inner critic, a “Bubba”. And we have the yin and yang of the inner bully with an inner cheerleader, a devil and an angel, a Bubba and a Fairy Godmother. That’s what I call mine.
It took me decades to learn how to turn down Bubba’s volume. The good news is you don’t have to wait that long.
Bubba represents all the things I learned to be afraid of. I wasn’t born afraid of these things. I learned to live in fear.
Bubba’s a beast and is fueled by painful childhood experiences. If you experienced trauma as a child, as two-thirds of us did according to the CDC (Centers for Disease Control), it’s likely that your inner critic is a real downer!
On the flip side, a Fairy Godmother’s wise voice always wants the best for you! She wraps you in a warm, cozy blanket of love from the moment she locks eyes with you.
She sees who you are, just as you are, and she loves you. She is curious about you, your life, your heartaches and pains, as well as your deepest desires and aspirations. She’ll share her honest opinion, hoping you’ll choose to follow the best path for your life.
Sometimes, I recognized the distant sound of my Fairy Godmother’s sing-songy voice. “You can do it! You’re capable! You’re ready! Dana, people need to hear your message. You’ll help someone, I know it!”
I knew she was wise. But I couldn’t quite grasp her outstretched hand. I kept her hidden deep inside of me.
For more than a quarter of a century, my Bubba stood guard like a 6’5” night club bouncer blocking me from trying new things, especially when he detected the threat of failure.
He’d spew rapid-fire insults at me like an automatic rifle — pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
“Don’t even think about it, Dana. No one wants to hear from you. You’re not even close to having your own life figured out. You think you have advice worthy of sharing? Don’t make a fool of yourself. Ha! Ha! Ha! Who are you kidding?”
That’s it! That’s all it took to stop me dead in my daydreaming tracks.
Fear of failure triggered a deeply entrenched warning system inside of me.
I told myself it didn’t matter anyway. I had enough excuses with all the demands on my time. I reasoned that chasing fairy-tale dreams and visions was immature; irresponsible in comparison to meeting my immediate obligations.
Maybe this sounds familiar.
Which one would you rather listen to? Bubba or your Fairy Godmother? You choose!
Riiighhht….Why don’t you just hand me a magic wand.
“Once you choose hope, anything is possible.”
~Christopher Reeves
It sounds so easy…It’s your choice.
I know what you may be thinking: A choice? Really? How’s that possible? Bubba’s been riding me for my whole life. If it was as simple as making a choice, I would have done that a long time ago.
Believe me, I understand! That’s why hearing, “You should just go for it,” was never helpful to me. In one ear, out the other.
Even when I heard my Fairy Godmother encouraging me, or felt an internal desire to try something new, there was always a disconnect. A gaping, jagged crevasse I couldn’t seem to cross on my own.
It’s like saying to an adult who never learned to swim as a child, “Go for it! Jump in the deep end and start swimming. You’ll figure it out!”
Yeah, right! I’ll figure out how to drown. No thanks!
Your internal bullying voice may be more powerful than your wise voice, like mine was.
But you can flip that sound around.
I’m going to share with you the exact process that allowed me say, “Thank you for your service, Bubba.” And then send him into retirement.
“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”
-Albert Einstein
Bubba’s birthplace
If you can pinpoint your Bubba’s origin and what happened that gave life to his nasty comments and belittling, you can then quiet him down.
After getting curious about my own reluctance, fear, and self-sabotaging behavior, I began researching childhood trauma. I also learned about the neuroscience behind mindset and discovered, Dr. Srini Pillay and what he calls, “possibility thinking”. He explains it in his 2013 TEDx talk.
What resulted is a series of questions I developed that helps shed light on exactly what holds us back. Let me show you what I mean as it relates to my earlier dish duty story.
The Questions…Get Curious
Goal Inquiry Worksheet from Life Mapping Institute Download for Free
WHAT’S YOUR GOAL?
I had a long-held vision that I was meant to be writing and speaking. I didn’t question this intuition, I unequivocally believed it to be my purpose in life.
However, for over twenty-three years, whenever I’d think about pursuing this dream of mine, I’d become flooded with fear.
WHAT DID BUBBA SAY ABOUT IT?
“Don’t go there, Dana…What if you fail? You’ll look like a fool! Why do you think anyone will care?”
Every time my Disney fantasy flickered before my eyes, I threw up my invisible yet powerful shield, and that fairy tale vision ricocheted off into the hinterlands.
WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR PAST THAT WOULD HAVE YOU FEAR FAILURE AS IF IT WAS LIFE OR DEATH?
My dad shoving me off the step stool when I was six because I wasn’t washing the dishes correctly.
If I asked for help with my school work at home, I was shamed for not listening closely enough in class.
He was huge and scary when he was angry. I learned mistakes are dangerous!
Any time I was spanked, I usually peed my pants because I was so terrified of him.
Bingo!
This, along with many other incidents big and small, added up to my terror of not getting it “right” the first time.
I was afraid of failing, afraid of being shamed, and I didn’t believe I was worthy of love if I was anything less than “perfect”. (Whatever that is.)
WHAT WAS GOING ON IN YOUR DAD’S LIFE THAT WOULD HAVE HIM TAKE IT OUT ON YOU?
My dad lost his two commercial fishing boats after the herring fishery went bust.
He hated his new job.
He was overweight, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, and drank every night.
My mom and dad lost their house to foreclosure.
They filed bankruptcy.
My dad took on four step-children when he married my mom.
My mom was suicidal and extremely depressed and had recently tried to take her own life.
Stepping back and looking objectively/factually at what was going on in my parents’ lives allowed me to have some sympathy for my dad.
Now that I’m a parent, I know that I would never intentionally do or say something to scar my kids for life. I don’t think that was my dad’s intention either.
I want to be clear: I am not excusing my father’s behavior.
However, replaying the scene objectively, rather than retelling and reliving it emotionally, allows me to see the dish washing scene in a whole new context.
Now I can see that I was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was the cat that got kicked! It still doesn’t justify what he did, and it doesn’t mean my parents were qualified or deserving cat owners.
Viewing my story from the director’s chair through a wide-angle lens reset my perspective. Once I stopped playing the leading actress, I realized I’m no longer that six-year-old little girl. I’d worn her traumatic emotional experience for decades like it was a life sentence.
It’s not. No longer condemned to my cold, concrete cell of self-inflicted solitary confinement, I possess the key to my freedom. So do you!
I’m a grown and capable woman…I can do this! It’s on me to shed my prison garb and slide into my glass slippers.
You can do this, too. What shoes are waiting for you?
WHAT DOES YOUR SEVENTY-YEAR-OLD SELF SAY TO YOU ABOUT GOING AFTER YOUR DREAMS?
I like to imagine myself in my 70’s looking healthy, en vogue, and poised like Helen Mirren. I think she’s beautiful.
Projecting my sophisticated and confident seventy-year-old wise voice in my mind, I encourage myself now with, “You can do this, Dana! It’s time for you to honor your dreams. You are so capable! I believe in you!”
You may be thinking: Okay, that sounds great, I guess I can see that. But how did you go from your realization and emotionally detaching from the story to finally pursuing your lifelong dream?
Great question! Let me show you.
“Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
~Carl Jung
Pouring a new foundation
Realize it wasn’t about you.
If you were raised with extremes, it’s easy to develop rigid black-and-white thinking. It’s what Pia Mellody refers to as difficulty expressing reality moderately. It’s one of five primary codependent traits described in her book, Facing Codependence.
Similar to not learning to ride a bike when you’re young, you can learn how to ride a bike as an adult, but it will never be second nature. The same is true for growing up with unhealthy codependent behavior. You can learn how to overcome those traits but it will likely never come as easily and effortlessly as learning to swim as a child.
When you’re little, people, places, and things closest to you greatly influence you. It’s how you develop your beliefs about the world and how you determine your place in it.
Usually, the nastiest part of your inner critic comes directly from particularly painful childhood experiences.
Your negative inner voice may have resulted from something that was said to you. And sometimes it’s something that you create; it’s the story you tell yourself to make sense of your environment.
Likewise, positive experiences help build confidence and positive beliefs. Your inner cheerleader, your wise, loving voice grows from celebrated, enjoyable events.
Think about survival instincts — fight, flight, or freeze. As children, fleeing from a dangerous situation isn’t really an option. Fighting for survival is.
Complying, obeying, submitting, performing, and conforming are ways children learn to make it through another day.
You may have modified your natural behavior to adapt to the people, places, and things around you. You may have changed who you were to either avoid punishment or earn acknowledgement, praise, love or affection.
In those high-stakes situations where there may be a threat of danger, rejection, neglect, or verbal, physical, or emotional abuse, our survival instincts kick into gear.
I want you to stop for a moment and think how truly brilliant this really is.
Bubba was there to protect you. He knew the danger that may be lurking around the corner. Bubba’s harsh voice kept you out of harm’s way as a child.
If you had to do this; I’m so sorry! Every time I picture that little girl at the sink, or someone else as a small child enduring an unhealthy home life, my heart aches.
“Just as a snake sheds its skin,
we must shed our past over and over again.”~Buddha
Call your ghosts out of the closet.
When it comes to setting important goals, I utilize a worksheet I created called the Goal Inquiry.
It helps me think through what is most likely to get in my way. I’m looking for the lurking, silent saboteurs, the old stories, and Bubba’s hot buttons.
Once I acknowledge what may trip me up, I consider what tools I will use to minimize the odds of this happening. Or, if I do trip, what will I do hasten my rebound vs. going down the old familiar rabbit hole.
In the case of writing my first book, I was fearful of how I would balance my time. I already felt stretched. How would I juggle real estate (which paid my bills), my four boys (I’m a single mom), and pursuing my life’s calling? (It sounds overwhelming just writing it and I’ve already accomplished the goal.)
I was afraid I’d burn out quickly. I was afraid of failing; saying I was going to do something and then not following through. (That violates one of my values of being in integrity which ups the stakes even higher.) I was afraid of investing money and time in myself and falling short.
Laying all your cards on the table, before you start working on a goal, will improve the odds of accomplishing your goal.
Getting humble, honest, and thinking through what may knock you off your intended path, arms you with strategies to course correct a lot faster than you would otherwise.
“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve; the fear of failure.”
~Paulo Coelho
Truth or lies?
Did you hear…Toughen up! Grow up! Stop acting childish! Keep your mouth shut! Get it right the first time! Man up! Quit being a baby! Nobody likes you! You’re stupid! You’re fat! Your ugly! You’re lazy! You’re such a loser! You’re a quitter!
If you did, and you twisted those words around to be truths about you, it’s time to rewrite your truths.
Your past no longer defines your future.
If you’ve built up an impenetrable wall, it’s time to bust that sucker down and let the sunshine in.
Understanding Bubba’s sole purpose was your safety allows you to say, “Thank you. Thank you for protecting me when I couldn’t protect myself. I’m grown now, and I’ve got this, Bubba. You’ve worked hard and it’s your time to relax. I’m ready. I’ll take it from here.
I understand you will miss me, and you may even try to sneak back inside my closet. If you do, I will see you and turn on the light. I know you hate bright lights, so plan to keep your visits short.”
“Without darkness nothing comes to birth, as without light nothing flowers.”
~May Sarton
Flex your muscles and hit the gym with your Fairy Godmother.
Think of something you excel in. You probably put in a lot of time and effort, right?
Going to the gym with your Fairy Godmother will encourage Bubba to find some new hobbies. Strength training your wiser intuitive voice increases your confidence. You’ll know how to defend yourself when fear flushes through your veins.
Think of three to five phrases you will say to yourself when you start to feel scared. Imagine your seventy-year-old self giving you encouraging advice today. What would she/he say? Probably something supportive and inspiring.
When you feel an anxious twinge in your stomach, or a thought that you have no business pursuing your goal, or you feel like an impostor, remember these phrases and say them to yourself over and over.
In time, you will build enough strength to hold up your hand as if to say, “STOP! Don’t even try to come in, Bubba. Seriously, I’ve got this!”
Believe me when I tell you that it works! Taking these additional steps to prepare and arm myself with powerful tools is the difference in my ability to continue saying ‘Yes!’ to myself.
Even when I’m most scared and courage escapes me, I’m able to regroup, recommit, and continue my pursuit.
“ I possess the wisdom, the power, and the motivation, the inspiration and the passion to accomplish anything and everything I choose.
~John Assaraf
Living into your vision.
If this story resonates with you, I feel protective of you — like momma bear protective. I believe in you! I know you can become the person you envision.
I wished I’d had a grandma like the dreamy Fairy Godmother I describe, but I didn’t. However, I fully intend on being like her when I have grandchildren of my own. I’m also planning on being hip and gorgeous like Helen Mirren!
We don’t have to wait until we’re grandparents, we can start becoming our future selves today.
“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer has the power to control your life.”
~Trent Shelton
Call to Action
Grab your Personal Playbook with 5 powerful Life Mapping worksheets. They’ll help you: keep priorities top of mind, stay organized, and push past limiting beliefs in order to create and live the life you imagine. It’s easy to integrate Life Mapping into your day to day life. Before you know it, you’ll be accomplishing more than you thought possible. It’s free!